I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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