Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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