He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
