We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
