What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
