Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
