i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people