tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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