I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
