flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
