Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
