So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
