look no pants
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
