Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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