don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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