please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
