Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
