new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
