If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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