just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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