I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Congratulations! We have a period
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize