I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
That's intense
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
it was like his penis was on wheels.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
