I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
