oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
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You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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