Got a toothbrush?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
