I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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