i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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