Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
