Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
