There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
