yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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