he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
