How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
