Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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