i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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