nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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