I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
