Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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