Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
