I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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