Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
