he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
