It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
