Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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