I'd wear matching sweaters with you
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
