You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
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Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
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dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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