Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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