Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
