There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
