I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
