pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
