"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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