Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
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We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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