Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
