Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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