Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We had sex on a dog bed..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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